We all have different callings and stations in life. Inside of me is a beast with an inherent need to succeed.  It nags me when I feel like taking a break from bettering myself; slaps me across the face when I want to give up and sometimes, it gets scared of the continuous upward climb and questions me to see when enough is enough.  How far in life do I have to go before I’ve decided that I’ve reached the level of ultimate success? What position must I reach before I decide that I’ve finally “made it”? With the beast of success driving me to my destination, there are often feelings that I push to the side and hide from even those near and dear to my heart.  Deep inside, tugging at the beast’s core and yelling to be recognized is guilt. What exactly do I have to feel guilty about? Why should I feel guilty about wanting to be successful, wanting to have a career, or wanting to provide a better life for my family? What’s so wrong with that?

As I have stated in a previous post, one of my main issues is, I’m superwoman. Really, I am.  I want to be everything to everybody. Why, because it’s the beast inside feeds off of.  I want to be the best wife I can be; have an immaculate home, cook hot meals morning, noon, and night, have no laundry piled up, kids in perfect tip-top shape, workout for hours at a time, and be the woman of his dreams, and more.  I want to be the best mom; always having a fun activity going on, continuously educating and schooling, taking them out to play everyday, keeping up with what is going on in their lives, and staying abreast of their current feelings.   To everyone else, I want to be the best; best daughter, sister, cousin friend by attending every event, helping everyone out, always showing support, and never missing an important milestone.  Pretty ambitious, I know but hey, I’ve got to feed the beast.  Her appetite is ravenous and she never sleeps.  I mean, I’ve worked two jobs, taken three Masters courses at a time, started a new career, traveled everywhere, helped coach a basketball team, worked on a novel and blogged, simultaneously.  All the while being a wife, mother, sister, and friend.  I don’t think I slept more than four hours at a time in years.    The beast wanted to have a Master's degree and become a leader within the healthcare industry and would stop at nothing until she had the sweet nectar of success in her mouth, all the while knowing that it wouldn’t be enough.  Her appetite to climb the corporate ladder, make more money, and have more letters behind her name came first while my family, my home and my health came second. I won’t lie, I fed this beast generously until one day, something set in and I did a complete about-face.

I didn’t want to feed the beast anymore.  She needed to go on a diet.  Besides, the more I examined myself, my life, and what was important, I realized that my children were suffering.  They had a mother who was smart, driven, accomplished, and educated but, they also had a mother who was tired.  Distracted by her research and papers or the every growing list of things to do and appointments on her calendar.  She only half-heartedly listened when they told her about their day. She didn’t have time to play games with them like they wanted her too and the park was something they did with their dad because hey, mama had two papers to write and a three chapters to finish reading by Sunday. They seemingly lacked for nothing. Except for their mother’s undivided attention.  One day, I decided to sit down and have a long talk with the beast. She was running my life and it was time we got an understanding.

I had an epiphany and, instead of taking the beast’s word for it, I went out and bought a chain and a cage. I put the beast away. I decided that, watching my children grow up, truly enjoying them and being the type of mom to them that my grandmother was to me, was way more important than making a name for myself in the world.  They are my world.  My reason for living and breathing but, they are also my reason for slowing it down.  I reevaluated myself and decided that the most important role I could play in this life, besides being a fervent follower of The Most High, is to be a wife and a mother.  Nothing else matters.  I have found my peace, my ultimate place in the world.  Nothing could make me happier (except being on the New York Times National best seller list but, hey in due time).  As I told my husband the other day, you can always, ALWAYS make more money, but you can’t make more memories.  My kids are growing fast and I cherish every second that I get to spend with them. From going to the park, checking out books from the library, visiting museums, watching movies together on Netflix, and being off every weekend and holiday, I enjoy the time we have together. It’s priceless and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.  I’m not saying that I don’t like going out into the world meeting new people and making connections but, what I am saying is that, the most important lives that I need to make a difference in, came from my own womb.

In closing, all have an expiration date. Don’t let a moment pass you by without cherishing it to the fullest. You can always make more money, but you can’t always make more memories. Being a mother is where you need to be. Tame the beast.

🖤T🖤

What do you do when everything you've ever believed was a lie? If the life you have lived was a fraud, and all the signs you ignored along the road, were actually pointing you in the right direction? I sign my books follow your dreams, when I really ought to be telling myself...and others, to follow your gut. The feeling that you get deep down inside of your belly that tells you when something just isn't right is the only omen you need. If you listen to your heart, you can love something away and remain blind to what is right in front of you. Your need for love will overwhelm you and you will ignore the obvious. Don't listen to your head, because, despite the fact that your intelligence is involved, you will rationalize what is going on in front of you, or allow your insecurities to prevent you from paying attention. You gut...now that's a thing of beauty. It prevents you from being hurt, shows you the truth in every situation, and screams like an alarm when things are about to take a left turn. Listen to the alarms, never ignore the butterflies, and keep your guard up. Your gut will never, ever lead you wrong.

🖤T🖤

There are so many people out here these days giving advice about almost every topic. Many call themselves life coaches or relationship experts in order to validate themselves and cause you to trust the information that they are giving to you.  I'm no such person.  I am just your everyday wife and mother, who just so happens to know a thing or two about what works in relationships.  Oftentimes, people have something to say, but are they really telling you the truth. And, if they are telling the truth, are they telling it all? Sometimes to me, it all just sounds like: blah, blah, blah.

What's the issue that I have? You never get told the full story. Should you have someone who loves and respects you? Yes, absolutely.  The problem with these "pop up" advisers is, they are not telling you that, you have to give the other person something to respect.  You can't be out here wearing the most scandalous clothes you can find, running to every club and event, having random sex with people, fighting, and acting the fool like you have no common sense, and then expect for that "good man" or "good woman" to accept you.  Even a stripper can have class and dignity, so it isn't about the occupation, money or status in life but, it is has a lot to do with how you were raised, how you see yourself, and what you have determined as your self-worth.  You can read a book about it, listen to YouTube preaching and read Instagram and Facebook posts like they are going out of style, but if you are not changing your ways to match the requirements that you are placing on someone else, then . . . you will never find the person you are looking for.

You want someone to love you and give you what you need, but first, you need to look within yourself.  Are you open to love? Have you dealt with your issues from the last relationship? Are you really ready for love or are you lonely and just ready to have someone in your bed? Some of us need to learn how to be comfortable with our own company first.  Learn to love the person in the mirror; their flaws, their insecurities, their sorrow, their fears, and everything that makes them who they are.  Without an intimate understanding of our innermost self, there is no way that we will be able to truly love someone else.  We have to deal with our own issues before we can decide to incorporate someone else into the can of mixed nuts that comprises our lives. I said all the above to say this: The answer you look for isn't in some book that you can go to the store and buy.  The answer you are searching for is right in front of your face.  Stand in the mirror, open your eyes and see yourself.  If you don't like what you see, change it.  If you're uneducated, change that. If you can't cook, learn.  Need a new wardrobe, buy one. Whatever it is. Get it together so you can love again.

Look inside yourself and you will find, the answer to all the questions in your mind. All the reasons why.  All the tools you need to be ready to love again.  Look inside, dig deep and do the work. Do what it takes to be the best that you can be, so that when your true love comes along, all you have to do is open your arms. The rest will fall into place.  Heal yourself before you think of loving someone else.

🖤T🖤

What do you do when you feel yourself drowning, but you can’t swim? Do you pray, stay calm and fight to stay afloat, struggle as you sink deeper into the darkness, or look to shore for a helping hand? What if the answer is none of the above? What if you just close your eyes, throw you head back, relax, and ride the wave. There are lessons to be learned in every adversity, and you can’t learn them if you keep looking to escape trouble. Contrary to what fairytales may want you to believe, there is no knight in shining armor coming to save you. What’s the best advice I can give you? It’s simple. +

Save yourself.

This current journey that I’m on has taught me to be self-reliant. It has taught me to believe in myself. I have the power to change any situation. I’m not looking for someone to swoop down and come to my rescue. I have learned that to better my situation, I have to do it by myself and for myself. I must be my own knight, put on my own armor, ride my own damn horse, and rescue myself. Having been attached to someone else for fifteen years, it is easy to fall into the habit of looking for someone else to help me make decisions and justify my actions. Not this time. This time, I’m the hero of my own story. This time…I WILL SAVE ME.

🖤🖤Susa🖤🖤

Everything that has happened to me in this life, has shaped me into the person I am. The situations that I’ve been through can make me change or teach me a lesson. During it all, I have had to learn to cope, especially when people (kids) are counting on you. When you call yourself coping, which really isn’t coping at all, your feelings about your recent issue or disaster get stuffed into the closet with the rest of your emotions. You know that the mess is there, but you don’t have the time or energy to take it out and try it on. You just buy another outfit and move along. Deep down inside, you know that one day, all those things you stored away will come crashing down on you. There are so many people you can talk to, but you understand that they all have their own lives.

Seemingly, you make it through your situation, and each subsequent one after that, without going bat-shit-crazy. It is then that you begin to hear it. “You are so strong.” People say that to you so often, you convince yourself that it is true. Despite the feelings that you have, you keep moving. The fact that you are making it has nothing to do with strength, and everything to do with the need to survive. Every day, you look in the mirror and see the scars of battle, then cover them with a mask. The mask allows you to smile, even though your world is falling around you and the tunnel you’re walking in knows no end.

The sad part is, we often walk through our darkness alone. You can’t count how many times well-intended people know that you’re going through, then promise to check-in on you or be there if you need them. You have your moment of weakness and decide to call, text or inbox them. In return, you get nothing. Many are slow to respond, and some don’t respond at all. The moment passes, and whatever your needed, whatever you were feeling, and whatever you had to say is swallowed up by all the things you must do. You tell yourself that you are strong and that this is life. C’est la vie.

Well, I’m tired of pretending that I’m okay. I’m done being strong. Right now, I’m weak. I want to give in to the tears and hide in the bathroom to cry. There are nights I cannot sleep, and I just pray for relief to come. Most of all, I fight against the times when I think about relieving myself of this life. I need someone to be there for me, the same way I have been there for them so many times. I want to be held. I want to be heard. I want someone to give me a way to escape. I want to scream. I want to curse. I want to punch the wall until blood pours from my hand. Most of all, I want to walk away.

Check on your “strong” friends, they need you.

🖤🖤Susa🖤🖤

So, I did it.

I got up. I brushed aside the stereotypes that many of us have about seeing a therapist and talking to someone about life and its problems. I mean, seeing my therapist is a part of my weekly self-care. She is budgeted into my busy schedule and worth every penny. It is a relief to have somewhere that I can go, express my feelings, pour out my heart, and be transparent without feeling judged or belittled. I leave feeling empowered and ready to use the strategies she gives me.

Yes, I believe in God, and I have a strong faith in the miracles He can do, however, through prayer I knew that I couldn’t get through this alone. I needed help. When I looked at my babies, and the love they have for me, my thoughts of no longer existing and ridding myself of this life was not an option. I had to survive. I had to live. I had to save myself for them. Writing these words have make me cry, but they also make me a survivor. I didn’t allow the darkness to take a hold of me and carry me down into the pits of despair. I’ve learned so many things through this time that I will be sharing with you.

For now, just know that I’m good. I’m in a place where God is allowing me to meet awesome women who I can connect with. They can pour into my life, and I can pour into theirs and together, we can support each other through this life. I’m at a place where I feel, although my flesh and blood family are miles away, God is using this distance to not only restore my relationship with them, but to gather such a tribe around me that I feel safe and at home. For that, I am forever grateful. I must offer one small bit of advice before I go on about my day: Check on your strong friends, we aren’t always okay. We suffer in silence. We hate to feel vulnerable, but that’s exactly what we need. The security to feel vulnerable. Be that person for someone. It could save their life.

To be continued…

🖤🖤Susa🖤🖤

Moment of transparency.

We all have times in life when we feel inadequate. Times where, no matter what we do or how many accolades we receive from others, we just don’t feel like we are worthy. The timing of our heartbeat is off, our soul is wounded and there’s an empty black space inside of us. It’s like you’re fighting your way through a thick fog. When you’re walking in your cloud of darkness and despair, there seems to be no end in sight. Every step you take saps your energy, daily tasks are a burden, and finding something to smile about in life just seems to be impossible. I can vouch that I’ve been there, where the trouble that isn’t supposed to last always seems to be a never-ending rain. You pray for relief but all you get is another deafening blow. Your hope is hanging on by a thread and your faith is almost gone. Your mind has taken over and, instead of being a source of encouragement you can’t even bring yourself to face the person in the mirror.  

Depression is a topic that is continuously swept under the rug.  If you’re like me, you are clever enough to hide it; paint on a smile, swallow the tears, will my heart not to bleed, and drown my pain. Then, when I get home, the mask comes off and the tears flow. My feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness stalks in and cloud my psyche. There is a dull ache inside that medication can’t fix. I’m broken and unable to be repaired. I feel alone. I can’t get a grip on my sadness, and I’ve taken too many blows and suffered too much loss to recover on my own. Still, there is hope, waiting at door. All I must do is get up.

To be continued…

🖤🖤Susa🖤🖤

Manifest: to make evident or certain by showing or displaying. To be evidence of. To prove. To become apparent.

I must admit. The term young and restless has always applied to my life. Currently, it still does. I don’t have the itch to change what I am doing with my career. My restlessness seems to have another source these days. There is a rumbling just beneath the surface that seems to have me in its grasp. The questions I contemplate over are running through my mind and preventing me from sleeping at night. Am I doing the right thing with my life? Am I in the right place? What is my true purpose? Am I living up to my full potential?

There are people that would tell me I'm blessed, educated, successful, and in a position that many people would envy.  I am and always will be forever grateful for the life that I have but, I can’t help but feel like I am not doing enough. I am constantly on the search for more. To be able to reach more people with life's story; my talent; my wisdom; my encouragement; my personality; myself.  How can I be a bigger blessing to others? To give them the strength to continue to run in this race called life. My dreams are so big, you wouldn't believe them if I told you. My spirit won't rest until I make it to the top and bring a few people with me.  I want to win so bad. Not just for myself, but for all the little girls out there who have the desire to be great but continue to doubt the greatness they possess.

Will I ever reach a level of success that satisfies me fully?  Will I ever not have this urgency inside to do more? To keep going? To reach an even higher level than I already have. Will I ever feel like enough is enough? I'm not sure. What I do know is, I won't stop until every one of these questions is answered and I don't have to wonder anymore. It’s my time to manifest.

🖤🖤Susa🖤🖤

There is no doubt that I am a woman; curvy, beautiful, intelligent, fashionable, nurturing, intriguing and constantly changing.  I am the first to cheer my fellow sisters on, to encourage them, offer them advice, lend them a helping hand and be an ear when they need to listen.  It is an automatic. When my sister wins, we all win, and the world shines a little bit brighter. With no biological sisters of my own, I am one of those women who must rely on outside sources to fill the void and make sisterly connections. I must admit, there is something about sisterhood that delights me, yet scares me at the same time.

I love the fact that women are so versatile; strong enough to bear the children and soft enough to make a man weak in the knees.  We possess the power and wisdom to be the backbones of every nation—birthing and rearing presidents, generals, and inventors.  We’re the glue that holds our families together, the concrete that keeps our children grounded, and the heartbeat of the world.  With all those compliments and accolades, it seems like it should be easy for anyone to love a woman. Not me. I admit, I have a love/hate relationship with the women.

How can I hate women when I’m a woman? It’s not hard to do.  I don’t like the ways of women. Among the tribe, there is a serious lack of sisterhood and an ever-present plague of gossiping, fighting, and backbiting. Instead of seeing our sister as a reflection of ourselves, we see her as the enemy. We can’t praise or be genuine with one another because of envy. We may smile and congratulate, but as soon as their back is turned, we are marring their success.  When we see them in love and happy, we find ways to place seeds of doubt in their head because we’re lonely and miserable and we want our sisters to be that way too. 

In their bad times, we rub their backs and hand them tissues, then walk away and spread gossip filled with our sister’s shortcomings and issues.  We air her dirty laundry with reckless abandon and ignore the possible damage, pain, or loss of trust our words may cause. We see one another as competition; I must look better than her, be better than her, be skinnier than her, prettier than her, heels higher than hers, diamond, and bags bigger than hers, kids smarter than hers, an ego larger than hers, hell I want to be her, steal her man, take her kids, or whatever just to get at her.  I FREAKING HATE HER! Sound familiar?

In these days and times, women battle more than they come together. Women are constantly videotaped fighting, arguing, and disrespecting each other. Shows like Love & Hip Hop and the Housewives glorify terrible behavior from women. These women are paid and placed on a national platform for exhibiting ratchet behavior. They are admired by many and given endorsements, brands, and wealth from stabbing other women in the back, backbiting, and spreading rumors and gossip. No wonder women feel the need to battle rather than connect and unify. Our country is known for rewarding bad behavior.

One day, we will all realize our power as women: that we are all gems who shine and emit light then, maybe, just maybe we can all be sisters again. When we stop coveting what our neighbor has and focus on bettering ourselves, being mothers and wives, we can come together again.  We can renew our bond.  When we stop worrying about the streets and impressing Mr. and Mrs. Jones, we can once again become one.  Join hands and march like we did with Dr. King, or dance and rejoice, praise, and enjoy one another again. Love one another. Offer a hope, encouragement, love, loyalty, honesty, and genuineness. Once again, be friends.  Be sisters.

🖤🖤Susa🖤🖤

What is one behavior you need to let go of?

Immediately, I knew the answer to this question. Worry. Worry plagues me. It is the grim shadow in the corner, waiting to swoop in and take over my thoughts. Worry stands over my shoulder casting an ominous shadow over the checklist of tasks I have in my head. Worry engulfs me in needless anxiety and is probably the sole contributor to my high blood pressure. Why do I worry, you may ask? I’m educated, employed, financially secure, and happily married. I shouldn’t have any worries…right? Life happens to us all, but for me, worry is a constant in my life. It is something that I fight against every day and a flaw that I’ve vowed to put an end to this waste of energy and inner peace.

What is worry? Worry is to give way to anxiety or unease. Worry is to allow one’s mind to dwell on difficulty or troubles. Worry is a state of anxiety over actual or potential problems. The first thing I’ve had to do is get to the source of what causes me to worry. I could blame it on a couple of things, experience, life traumas, disappointments, and failures. Honestly, those things are not the source. The reason I worry so much can solely be attributed to my need for control. I have come to realize that I do not want to ever feel weak or out of control. When a situation arises that I do not have total control over or could possibly cause an issue in the future, my habit of worrying kicks into overdrive.

Worry is counterproductive. It doesn’t do anything except cause me anxiety. It floods me with bad thoughts of “what ifs” and “worse case scenarios” when it is better to either act or allow the chips to fall where they may. I cannot plan my way through every life situation. I can only continue to live my life, save my coins, and raise my children while tackling the challenges as they come along. I have a plan and a strategy for breaking the chains of worry in my life and starting fresh.

Instead of worrying, I will be more productive by writing out my thoughts, strategizing, practicing relaxation techniques, praying, meditating, or exercising. Lastly, I plan to increase my faith. Lack of faith is a current struggle of mine. So many things have happened to me in the last few years that have caused me to not have hope for certain situations changing in my favor. That’s a post for another day. Right now, I am choosing to focus on the fact that I can no longer remain imprisoned by my thoughts.

Today, I release all feelings of worry and dread. I let go of the bad thoughts and will allow myself to live life with the understanding that I am fully equipped to handle anything that comes my way. Why? Because I have all the tools I need to succeed in life and adapt to whatever may come. I pray that this post helps someone who may go through the same thing.

Peace and blessings to you all.

🖤🖤Susa🖤🖤