What do you do when you feel yourself drowning, but you can’t swim? Do you pray, stay calm and fight to stay afloat, struggle as you sink deeper into the darkness, or look to shore for a helping hand? What if the answer is none of the above? What if you just close your eyes, throw you head back, relax, and ride the wave. There are lessons to be learned in every adversity, and you can’t learn them if you keep looking to escape trouble. Contrary to what fairytales may want you to believe, there is no knight in shining armor coming to save you. What’s the best advice I can give you? It’s simple. +

Save yourself.

This current journey that I’m on has taught me to be self-reliant. It has taught me to believe in myself. I have the power to change any situation. I’m not looking for someone to swoop down and come to my rescue. I have learned that to better my situation, I have to do it by myself and for myself. I must be my own knight, put on my own armor, ride my own damn horse, and rescue myself. Having been attached to someone else for fifteen years, it is easy to fall into the habit of looking for someone else to help me make decisions and justify my actions. Not this time. This time, I’m the hero of my own story. This time…I WILL SAVE ME.

🖤🖤Susa🖤🖤

Everything that has happened to me in this life, has shaped me into the person I am. The situations that I’ve been through can make me change or teach me a lesson. During it all, I have had to learn to cope, especially when people (kids) are counting on you. When you call yourself coping, which really isn’t coping at all, your feelings about your recent issue or disaster get stuffed into the closet with the rest of your emotions. You know that the mess is there, but you don’t have the time or energy to take it out and try it on. You just buy another outfit and move along. Deep down inside, you know that one day, all those things you stored away will come crashing down on you. There are so many people you can talk to, but you understand that they all have their own lives.

Seemingly, you make it through your situation, and each subsequent one after that, without going bat-shit-crazy. It is then that you begin to hear it. “You are so strong.” People say that to you so often, you convince yourself that it is true. Despite the feelings that you have, you keep moving. The fact that you are making it has nothing to do with strength, and everything to do with the need to survive. Every day, you look in the mirror and see the scars of battle, then cover them with a mask. The mask allows you to smile, even though your world is falling around you and the tunnel you’re walking in knows no end.

The sad part is, we often walk through our darkness alone. You can’t count how many times well-intended people know that you’re going through, then promise to check-in on you or be there if you need them. You have your moment of weakness and decide to call, text or inbox them. In return, you get nothing. Many are slow to respond, and some don’t respond at all. The moment passes, and whatever your needed, whatever you were feeling, and whatever you had to say is swallowed up by all the things you must do. You tell yourself that you are strong and that this is life. C’est la vie.

Well, I’m tired of pretending that I’m okay. I’m done being strong. Right now, I’m weak. I want to give in to the tears and hide in the bathroom to cry. There are nights I cannot sleep, and I just pray for relief to come. Most of all, I fight against the times when I think about relieving myself of this life. I need someone to be there for me, the same way I have been there for them so many times. I want to be held. I want to be heard. I want someone to give me a way to escape. I want to scream. I want to curse. I want to punch the wall until blood pours from my hand. Most of all, I want to walk away.

Check on your “strong” friends, they need you.

🖤🖤Susa🖤🖤

So, I did it.

I got up. I brushed aside the stereotypes that many of us have about seeing a therapist and talking to someone about life and its problems. I mean, seeing my therapist is a part of my weekly self-care. She is budgeted into my busy schedule and worth every penny. It is a relief to have somewhere that I can go, express my feelings, pour out my heart, and be transparent without feeling judged or belittled. I leave feeling empowered and ready to use the strategies she gives me.

Yes, I believe in God, and I have a strong faith in the miracles He can do, however, through prayer I knew that I couldn’t get through this alone. I needed help. When I looked at my babies, and the love they have for me, my thoughts of no longer existing and ridding myself of this life was not an option. I had to survive. I had to live. I had to save myself for them. Writing these words have make me cry, but they also make me a survivor. I didn’t allow the darkness to take a hold of me and carry me down into the pits of despair. I’ve learned so many things through this time that I will be sharing with you.

For now, just know that I’m good. I’m in a place where God is allowing me to meet awesome women who I can connect with. They can pour into my life, and I can pour into theirs and together, we can support each other through this life. I’m at a place where I feel, although my flesh and blood family are miles away, God is using this distance to not only restore my relationship with them, but to gather such a tribe around me that I feel safe and at home. For that, I am forever grateful. I must offer one small bit of advice before I go on about my day: Check on your strong friends, we aren’t always okay. We suffer in silence. We hate to feel vulnerable, but that’s exactly what we need. The security to feel vulnerable. Be that person for someone. It could save their life.

To be continued…

🖤🖤Susa🖤🖤

Moment of transparency.

We all have times in life when we feel inadequate. Times where, no matter what we do or how many accolades we receive from others, we just don’t feel like we are worthy. The timing of our heartbeat is off, our soul is wounded and there’s an empty black space inside of us. It’s like you’re fighting your way through a thick fog. When you’re walking in your cloud of darkness and despair, there seems to be no end in sight. Every step you take saps your energy, daily tasks are a burden, and finding something to smile about in life just seems to be impossible. I can vouch that I’ve been there, where the trouble that isn’t supposed to last always seems to be a never-ending rain. You pray for relief but all you get is another deafening blow. Your hope is hanging on by a thread and your faith is almost gone. Your mind has taken over and, instead of being a source of encouragement you can’t even bring yourself to face the person in the mirror.  

Depression is a topic that is continuously swept under the rug.  If you’re like me, you are clever enough to hide it; paint on a smile, swallow the tears, will my heart not to bleed, and drown my pain. Then, when I get home, the mask comes off and the tears flow. My feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness stalks in and cloud my psyche. There is a dull ache inside that medication can’t fix. I’m broken and unable to be repaired. I feel alone. I can’t get a grip on my sadness, and I’ve taken too many blows and suffered too much loss to recover on my own. Still, there is hope, waiting at door. All I must do is get up.

To be continued…

🖤🖤Susa🖤🖤

Manifest: to make evident or certain by showing or displaying. To be evidence of. To prove. To become apparent.

I must admit. The term young and restless has always applied to my life. Currently, it still does. I don’t have the itch to change what I am doing with my career. My restlessness seems to have another source these days. There is a rumbling just beneath the surface that seems to have me in its grasp. The questions I contemplate over are running through my mind and preventing me from sleeping at night. Am I doing the right thing with my life? Am I in the right place? What is my true purpose? Am I living up to my full potential?

There are people that would tell me I'm blessed, educated, successful, and in a position that many people would envy.  I am and always will be forever grateful for the life that I have but, I can’t help but feel like I am not doing enough. I am constantly on the search for more. To be able to reach more people with life's story; my talent; my wisdom; my encouragement; my personality; myself.  How can I be a bigger blessing to others? To give them the strength to continue to run in this race called life. My dreams are so big, you wouldn't believe them if I told you. My spirit won't rest until I make it to the top and bring a few people with me.  I want to win so bad. Not just for myself, but for all the little girls out there who have the desire to be great but continue to doubt the greatness they possess.

Will I ever reach a level of success that satisfies me fully?  Will I ever not have this urgency inside to do more? To keep going? To reach an even higher level than I already have. Will I ever feel like enough is enough? I'm not sure. What I do know is, I won't stop until every one of these questions is answered and I don't have to wonder anymore. It’s my time to manifest.

🖤🖤Susa🖤🖤

There is no doubt that I am a woman; curvy, beautiful, intelligent, fashionable, nurturing, intriguing and constantly changing.  I am the first to cheer my fellow sisters on, to encourage them, offer them advice, lend them a helping hand and be an ear when they need to listen.  It is an automatic. When my sister wins, we all win, and the world shines a little bit brighter. With no biological sisters of my own, I am one of those women who must rely on outside sources to fill the void and make sisterly connections. I must admit, there is something about sisterhood that delights me, yet scares me at the same time.

I love the fact that women are so versatile; strong enough to bear the children and soft enough to make a man weak in the knees.  We possess the power and wisdom to be the backbones of every nation—birthing and rearing presidents, generals, and inventors.  We’re the glue that holds our families together, the concrete that keeps our children grounded, and the heartbeat of the world.  With all those compliments and accolades, it seems like it should be easy for anyone to love a woman. Not me. I admit, I have a love/hate relationship with the women.

How can I hate women when I’m a woman? It’s not hard to do.  I don’t like the ways of women. Among the tribe, there is a serious lack of sisterhood and an ever-present plague of gossiping, fighting, and backbiting. Instead of seeing our sister as a reflection of ourselves, we see her as the enemy. We can’t praise or be genuine with one another because of envy. We may smile and congratulate, but as soon as their back is turned, we are marring their success.  When we see them in love and happy, we find ways to place seeds of doubt in their head because we’re lonely and miserable and we want our sisters to be that way too. 

In their bad times, we rub their backs and hand them tissues, then walk away and spread gossip filled with our sister’s shortcomings and issues.  We air her dirty laundry with reckless abandon and ignore the possible damage, pain, or loss of trust our words may cause. We see one another as competition; I must look better than her, be better than her, be skinnier than her, prettier than her, heels higher than hers, diamond, and bags bigger than hers, kids smarter than hers, an ego larger than hers, hell I want to be her, steal her man, take her kids, or whatever just to get at her.  I FREAKING HATE HER! Sound familiar?

In these days and times, women battle more than they come together. Women are constantly videotaped fighting, arguing, and disrespecting each other. Shows like Love & Hip Hop and the Housewives glorify terrible behavior from women. These women are paid and placed on a national platform for exhibiting ratchet behavior. They are admired by many and given endorsements, brands, and wealth from stabbing other women in the back, backbiting, and spreading rumors and gossip. No wonder women feel the need to battle rather than connect and unify. Our country is known for rewarding bad behavior.

One day, we will all realize our power as women: that we are all gems who shine and emit light then, maybe, just maybe we can all be sisters again. When we stop coveting what our neighbor has and focus on bettering ourselves, being mothers and wives, we can come together again.  We can renew our bond.  When we stop worrying about the streets and impressing Mr. and Mrs. Jones, we can once again become one.  Join hands and march like we did with Dr. King, or dance and rejoice, praise, and enjoy one another again. Love one another. Offer a hope, encouragement, love, loyalty, honesty, and genuineness. Once again, be friends.  Be sisters.

🖤🖤Susa🖤🖤

What is one behavior you need to let go of?

Immediately, I knew the answer to this question. Worry. Worry plagues me. It is the grim shadow in the corner, waiting to swoop in and take over my thoughts. Worry stands over my shoulder casting an ominous shadow over the checklist of tasks I have in my head. Worry engulfs me in needless anxiety and is probably the sole contributor to my high blood pressure. Why do I worry, you may ask? I’m educated, employed, financially secure, and happily married. I shouldn’t have any worries…right? Life happens to us all, but for me, worry is a constant in my life. It is something that I fight against every day and a flaw that I’ve vowed to put an end to this waste of energy and inner peace.

What is worry? Worry is to give way to anxiety or unease. Worry is to allow one’s mind to dwell on difficulty or troubles. Worry is a state of anxiety over actual or potential problems. The first thing I’ve had to do is get to the source of what causes me to worry. I could blame it on a couple of things, experience, life traumas, disappointments, and failures. Honestly, those things are not the source. The reason I worry so much can solely be attributed to my need for control. I have come to realize that I do not want to ever feel weak or out of control. When a situation arises that I do not have total control over or could possibly cause an issue in the future, my habit of worrying kicks into overdrive.

Worry is counterproductive. It doesn’t do anything except cause me anxiety. It floods me with bad thoughts of “what ifs” and “worse case scenarios” when it is better to either act or allow the chips to fall where they may. I cannot plan my way through every life situation. I can only continue to live my life, save my coins, and raise my children while tackling the challenges as they come along. I have a plan and a strategy for breaking the chains of worry in my life and starting fresh.

Instead of worrying, I will be more productive by writing out my thoughts, strategizing, practicing relaxation techniques, praying, meditating, or exercising. Lastly, I plan to increase my faith. Lack of faith is a current struggle of mine. So many things have happened to me in the last few years that have caused me to not have hope for certain situations changing in my favor. That’s a post for another day. Right now, I am choosing to focus on the fact that I can no longer remain imprisoned by my thoughts.

Today, I release all feelings of worry and dread. I let go of the bad thoughts and will allow myself to live life with the understanding that I am fully equipped to handle anything that comes my way. Why? Because I have all the tools I need to succeed in life and adapt to whatever may come. I pray that this post helps someone who may go through the same thing.

Peace and blessings to you all.

🖤🖤Susa🖤🖤

As a woman, I know how hard it can be to focus solely on yourself. The thought of putting away the “to-do” list, ignoring the children shouting various versions of “mama” and silencing all distractions to pay attention to us seems impossible. It doesn’t seem to be enough hours in the day to accomplish everything, let alone to set aside even five minutes for myself. There’s work, making dinner, doing homework, preparing for the next day, and giving my family the attention that they need. Where does “me” time fit in? The reality is, that it doesn’t, however, the more you mature, the more you realize that taking care of yourself is essential to having the energy to take care of others.

The first step in self-care is realizing that you can’t be everything to everyone. Yes, the people and things in my life require my attention, but before I can give them 100% of me, I need to give 100% of me to me. What’s crazy is that it has taken me over thirty years to realize this. As a wife and mom, I would always feel guilty when I spend time alone with my friends, took time to relax, allowed the laundry to pile up, ignored the dishes in the sink, or took a nap when there was cleaning to be done. I’d convinced myself that I can rest when I’m done doing everything that I need to do. The way life is set up, I’d only be able rest in my grave. I had to realize that, even if I conquered my to-do list, the pile would grow again tomorrow. With, why not take time out to recharge.

The next step in self-care is recognizing the signals your body is sending you. I can remember times when I was utterly exhausted, yet continued as if my body runs on Energizer batteries. My energy level and health dwindled while my list of expectations continued to mount. The result is feeling ill or becoming so exhausted that I couldn’t do the one thing on my list that mattered to me the most. Lesson learned. Now, when my body says it needs to rest, I rest. Yes, my planner says that I’m supposed to be working out right now, or reading, or folding laundry, or even writing blog posts, but my body is the commander-in-chief. I’ve learned to never feel guilty about giving my body what it needs.

Self-care means taking time to focus. I don’t know about you, but my mind runs like a Ferrari, on Red Bull. There are times when I am a prisoner of my thoughts. The constant influx of information, thoughts, lists of things to remember, and mental checkoffs can be overwhelming at times. It seems I have never been able to shut my mind off or mentally reflect on what I need because I’m so busy trying to keep up. My counselor (yes, superwomen need counseling too) challenged me to create a space where I can go and let my mine be free. Those of us who are mothers know that the bathroom is not that place. Children will hound you as soon as you close the door and the peace you are searching for will never come. I chose my closet. Decluttering it was liberating and worth the labor because the result is magnificent. I now have a place where I can hide, turn off the lights, lie down with my comfy blanket, and reflect. Or read my Bible. Or meditate. Or pray. No matter what, I can go into my little slice of heaven and gain a few uninterrupted moments of solitude. I never realized how escaping and being alone can leave you feeling refreshed and ready to take on life’s challenges.

Lastly, self-care means doing things you like with people you love. At least twice a month, I try to connect with my friends and have sister dates. Believe it or not, it doesn’t matter if a woman is married or single, we all have obligations that consume much of our time. Being able to connect with other women, vent about our lives, share our accomplishments, and hash out our fears is essential to taking care of ourselves. Just having another set of ears to say, “Girl I understand” or a chorus of “Oh hell no!” can work wonders when you doubt your sanity. Some of us can’t afford a therapist, so as women, we can be that for one another. Having time away from the house where you aren’t focused on the needs of others, and you can be an “adult” will re-energize you while also giving you something to look forward too. As women, taking care of our family can cause of to lose touch with our friends. I’m here to give you permission to cultivate your sisterhood and make a conscious effort to plan time with your friends. Sip your wine, or tea and be you.

🖤🖤Susa🖤🖤

“Self-care is how you take your power back ”

— Lalah Delia

  One of the hardest lessons I've learned within the past two years deals with forgiveness.  Sometimes, family can hurt you worse than any enemy and the effects can tear you apart at the core. I will be the first to admit that, in the past, if you crossed me, regardless of if you are family or not, I would cut you off.  I'd treat you as if you no longer existed; no calls, no conversations, no visits, no speaking, no texts, no social media, no family events, nothing. It didn't matter to me that the Bible says in Matthew 6:14 says 'For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.'  My pain, hurt, and feeling of betrayal clouded my judgment and hardened my heart.     

It's how I coped. The way I dealt with pain. Rather than do or say something to hurt the other party the way they had hurt me or deal with the pain in a more sensible way,  I withdraw myself from them and the situation until I've allowed my wound to not heal, but form a hard and sticky crust.  What does allowing a sore to fester really do?  I continue to hurt, they continue to live life and absolutely nothing gets resolved. Thank God for forgiveness, grace and mercy, wisdom and understanding.  If not for fervent prayers, seeking God's face and asking for His guidance, I wouldn't be at the place that I am today.  

Forgiveness is not for the other person, it's for you.  You're the one holding all your feelings inside, bottled up, stewing and ready to boil over. Instead of facing it head on and allowing the other person to redeem themselves, you allow the wounds to fester and never heal.  Believe me, I've been cut to the core but eventually, I had to come to the realization that holding a grudge will not only continue to cause me pain but will send me straight to hell.  My soul's salvation is not worth holding something against someones so, why not forgive them and let it go.

Forgiving is cleansing. It cleans the soul and gives each person a refreshing start. It is an essential part of life. We have all done something to upset someone else, to hurt them, to cause them pain, or give them a reason to never look our way again and, if we're honest, it felt good when they accepted our apology and forgave.  Forgiveness is free.  It doesn't cost a penny and it can be the very thing needed to renew a relationship.  If there is one thing I've learned in my short 37 years, people will be people. You have to take them at face value. They will be who they will be. You just have to be cautious in your dealings and expect that, being the perfectly imperfect beings that we are, something is bound to go wrong, someone is bound to get their feelings hurt and mistakes are bound to be made.  No matter what, we have to be sure to learn the lesson we should take away from the situation. 

Forgive, let go and let God handle the rest. In order to grow, prosper and continue to elevate to the next level, we must forgive those who have done us wrong.  Grudges are the equivalent of baggage that will only weigh down your soul and prevent you from soaring high.  Release the baggage, stop holding the grudge, let the hurt and pain heal and watch some amazing things happen in your life.  In the words of Indira Gandhi, "Forgiveness is a virtue of the brave." It takes heart to forgive and start again. If you don't take anything away from this post, always remember this: I've wasted so much time in my life holding grudges and being mad at people, who probably had no idea why I was upset in the first place.  I've forgiven them and taken back the piece of my soul they've taken away. Forgiving people is not only good for you, it's essential to your survival. 

🖤🖤Susa🖤🖤

In my new book, Dudoir Confessions, I present six different men in six different types of relationships. I think it will be something interesting for women to see because I modeled the characters, their personalities, and incidents in their lives after real things that have either happened to my muses or men that I know. I used things that my muses told me about themselves, how they see relationships, how they view women, and what we all do wrong in relationships.

In writing this book, I honestly feel like I am somewhat of an expert because I have brothers and over twenty-five male cousins. I have been around males all my life who have given me the real and told me what to look out for in men.  In relationships, often we think everything is okay because a man is talking to us and telling us things, however, we should only take the words coming out of their mouth for face value.  By nature, men are creatures of action. Communication and talking doesn't mean as much to them as it does to women. To prove this theory, all you must do is watch little kids. If you go to the playground and look at little children, you will find the little girls huddled somewhere having conversations while the boys are running, kicking, and jumping around. For the most part, males are not talkers. Now, we do know that one man that can talk a female under the table, but he's the exception to the rule, and not the norm.

Once again, men show you how they feel about you through their actions.  When you are with someone, you must ask yourself, do the words he's saying match up with what he is doing? If they don't match, then you need to go with the action. You don't go with words because obviously this man is telling you what you want to hear. He can tell you anything.  It's what he shows you.  An example would be you are dating this man, he texts you and calls you throughout the day, but you only get to see him late at night. He hardly takes you anywhere, or not at all, and you haven't met his friends or family, but he manages to come to your house late in the evening to "Netflix and chill".  He's not showing you off and basically, it's a you and him relationship, that's not a relationship.  He's basically showing you what you are . . . a booty call or a person he calls when he's done with whomever else, he is messing with.

Women are naturally hopeful, and we often choose to look on the bright side of things, when we should be keeping it real with ourselves. He can text and call you all day and still have a woman that he's with.  Again, it's what he's showing you.  Women often fail to realize what is right in front of our face.  So, part of this novel focuses on the fact that we must pay attention to a man's actions and what he does. Men are show and prove type of creatures. As women, we see the signs and we don't necessarily ignore them, but we are afraid to call men out on what we feel like they were doing wrong.  We can become insecure and be afraid that the man will think that we are crazy or being insecure. I would rather him see me as being insecure for a moment, than to be walking around worrying about what he's doing or to feel like I'm being played. I have learned that no matter how good of a man he is, you must follow your instinct and ask questions. No matter how hard asking those questions may be. If you see something that isn't right, ask.  You must learn the truth for yourself.  Trust . . .but verify.

I also want to show that woman can ruin a man.  Bad relationships ruin men just as much—if now more—than they mess up women.  I think they mess them up worse because men are more sensitive. When they love a woman deeply and she hurts them, it will make it ten times worse on the next person. Women suck it up, we get over, we may even do something petty, but eventually we move on.  Bad relationships stick with men longer.  Those memories flash back just as soon as you do something that reminds him of the woman who broke his heart. Men don't forgive as easily, so if they've had a few bad relationships, they group us all into the same category.  I'm not saying it's right . . .but it's what they do.

Dudoir Confessions is a book for the ladies.  It shines a light on the innermost thoughts of men and how they view relationships, their children, love, and even the mistakes that they make. It will even show the hard reality that, you may be the most amazing woman in the world, but you can't change a man.  He won't change until he is ready. He may do some things to get you off his back, but he will end up resenting you if the change is not something that he does for himself. Women are nurturers who want to save the world, and not even children can make a man change unless he has the desire to be a better person. I hope that in this book, women can get a better understanding of the men in their lives and the single men that are out there. They love just as hard as we do, and believe it or not, they hurt even harder. Check it out on February 2nd.

🖤🖤Susa🖤🖤