We all have different callings and stations in life. Inside of me is a beast with an inherent need to succeed.  It nags me when I feel like taking a break from bettering myself, it slaps me across the face when I want to give up and sometimes, it gets scared of the continuous upward climb and questions me to see when enough is enough.  How far in life do I have to go before I’ve decided that I’ve reached the level of ultimate success? What position must I reach before I decide that I’ve finally “made it”? With the beast of success driving me to my destination, there are often feelings that I push to the side and hide from even those near and dear to my heart.  Deep inside, tugging at the beast’s core and yelling to be recognized is guilt.

What exactly do I have to feel guilty about? Why should I feel guilty about wanting to succeed, wanting to have a career, or wanting to provide a better life for my family? What’s so wrong with that?

As I have stated in a previous post, one of my main issues is, I’m superwoman. Really, I am.  I want to be everything to my husband, children, family members and friends. Why, because it’s the beast inside that feeds off excellence that is driving me to do it.  I want to be the best wife I can have an immaculate home, cook hot meals morning, noon, and night, have no laundry piled up, kids in perfect tip-top shape, workout for hours at a time, and be the woman of his dream, and more.  I want to be the best mom; always having a fun activity going on, continuously educating and schooling, taking them out to play every day, keeping up with what is going on in their lives, and staying abreast of their current feelings.  To everyone else, I want to be the best; best daughter, sister, cousin friend by attending every event, helping everyone out, always showing support, and never missing church or Bible study.  Pretty ambitious, I know but hey, I’ve got to feed the beast.  His appetite is ravenous, and he never sleeps.  I mean, I’ve worked two jobs, taken three master’s courses at a time, started a new career, traveled everywhere, helped coach a YMCA basketball team, worked on a novel and blogged, simultaneously.  All the while being a wife, mother, sister, and friend.  I don’t think I slept more than four hours at a time in two years.  Hey, I was thing about me, with my family in the background.  The beast wanted to have a master’s degree and become a leader within the healthcare industry and would stop at nothing until he had the sweet nectar of success in his mouth, all the while knowing that it wouldn’t be enough.  His appetite to climb the corporate ladder, make more money, and have more letters behind his name came first while my family, my home and my health came second. I won’t lie, I fed this beast feverishly until one day, something set in, and I did a complete about-face.

I didn’t want to feed the beast anymore.  He needed to go on a diet.  Besides, the more I examined myself, my life, and what was important, I realized that my children were suffering.  They had a mother who was smart, driven, accomplished, and educated, but they also had a mother who was tired.  Distracted by her research and papers or every growing list of things to do and appointments on her calendar.  She only half-heartedly listened when they told her about their day. She didn’t have time to play games with them like they wanted her too and the park was something they did with their dad because hey, mama had two papers to write and three chapters to finish reading by Sunday. They seemingly lacked for nothing. Except for their mother’s undivided attention.  One day, I decided to sit down and have a long talk with the beast. He was running my life, and it was time we got an understanding.

I had an epiphany and, instead of taking the beast’s word for it, I went out and bought a chain and a cage. I put the beast away. I decided that, watching my children grow up, truly enjoying them and being the type of mom to them that my grandmother was to me, was way more important that making a name for myself in the world.  They are my world.  My reason for living and breathing but, they are also my reason for slowing it down.  I reevaluated myself and decided that the most important role I could play in this life, besides being a fervent follower of Christ, is to be a wife and a mother.  Nothing else matters.  Teaching is the first job I’ve ever had where I’ve never gone home at night and said, ‘I want to quit.’ It’s the one job where I’ve never minded going.  No matter what issues may arise, no matter how much my students may drain me, and no matter how many times I feel like I’m flying by the seat of my pants.  I have found my peace, my ultimate place in the world.  Nothing could make me happier (except being on the New York Times National best seller list but, hey in due time).  As I told my husband the other day, you can always, ALWAYS make more money, but you can’t make more memories.  My kids are growing fast, and I cherish every second that I get to spend with them. From going to the park, checking out books from the library, visiting museums, watching movies together on Netflix, and being off every weekend and holiday, I enjoy the time we have together. It’s priceless and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.  I’m not saying that I don’t like going out into the world meeting new people and making connections but, what I am saying is that the most important lives that I need to make a difference in, came from my own womb.

In closing, all have an expiration date. Don’t let a moment pass you by without cherishing it to the fullest. You can always make more money, but you can’t always make more memories.

🖤🖤Susa🖤🖤

I am often asked how I can be so sure that I've made the right choice. What makes me so sure about my decision? Why don't I have doubts when there is no light at the end of the tunnel, and I seem to just be fumbling around in the darkness? Recently, life has pulled me in so many directions, it has been difficult to keep up with my blog, social media, or even offer a daily encouraging word, because I was still trying to figure out what I want to do. Then this morning, it all seemed to make sense. All the questions in my head disappeared, and the reason for my being came to me crystal clear. No, it wasn't what I expected...not even close, but the beauty in it is that the reward in the end will be greater than I can fathom. This post is the first step in my transparency. In showing the world who I am destined to be, and no longer being ashamed of what I carry inside of me.  The thing that has haunted me for the past thirty-five years. He asked me a question...and I had no answer. What could I say? How can I tell Him that all this time, I have been an afraid? A coward of sorts. Wanting to have it my way, yet cling to Him in the shadows. No more. My life was so at peace before. When I was dedicated to His purpose and living my life as He would have me to. I made this bed, but unlike so many others, I refuse to lay in it. It's time to put away childish things. Time is short. This world will soon be no more, and I cannot continue to struggle...

God will let you know exactly where He wants you to be. I waved my white flag of surrender today. I'm done. My legs have grown tired, and I can run no more. His steps were deliberate. How you ask? Well, here it goes:

1.) He spoke directly to me. In the form of a minister, telling the young people how to break the chains of generational curses, to live different, commission themselves to a life of purity, and to guard themselves against attacks of the enemy. In seeing the youth singing today and speaking, it hit me...they need you. This is where I want you to be. (See I had been contemplating going to another church because it seemed hipper) If you're a believer, you know His voice and when you hear it, you have the assurance and peace that no one around you can understand.

2.) He will allow things to fall into place. You see, I was determined to go to the other church I had visited. I even started an argument with my husband because he didn't want to. I threw a tantrum and told him I would just stay home, then...my brother-in-law texted and said he was staying in today. Well, the decision was made for me. It all fell into place and an understanding came over me because if not for that, I wouldn't have made the decision that I did today. I mean, I walk in the door of that church, and I want to shout. That doesn't happen at the place I wanted to go.

3.) He will send you a messenger. The youth sang one of my favorite Christian rock songs. Like, besides my son, I was the only one in the audience who knew the words. Afterwards, the leader was timid, but one of the musicians asked me to join the praise and worship team. You see, no matter how much you think you're hiding, your gifts will come forth and God will make you use them for Him.

4.) His word will give you the answer.  God used Esther, Deborah, Bathsheba, and countless others to reach His people. I want to be among them.

5.) He will close one door and open another. Sometimes, in large churches, you can get lost amid those who are competing for positions and power amongst the congregation. I don't want that. I want God to use me to change people's lives. To influence others to live for Him and give Him their all. I like intimacy, closeness, and the feeling of family. That's what I came from, and that's where I will feel most at home.

I pray this little revelation has helped you as much as it has helped me to write it. For so long, I took the things that people who called themselves Christians and held them against God. I blamed Him for allowing those people to scar my heart, so I refused to fully commit to His will. Silly me. My rebellious spirit is no match for the Creator. Be blessed everyone, and never allow the pain and bitterness of others to make you continue to fight against what God has for you. The whooping He will put on you isn't worth the small feeling of power you may feel.

 🖤🖤Susa🖤🖤

I've had the last few days to just relax, not think about work and troll the internet since a virus had me bed bound. The more I scrolled, the more I saw a trend...women, climbing the ladder, reaching the top, and proclaiming their prosperity. On one hand, I think it's an amazing thing; women making a name for themselves and carving out a world where they are equally successful as their male counterparts.  But, on the other hand, it kind of makes me sad.  Why? When I think back on my childhood memories of my mom, the one thing that stands out the most was that she was always working. Basketball games, track meets, awards ceremonies, plays, church events...she was always working. I never had the pleasure of having my own mother cheer me on, and on senior night, one of my aunts would fill in.

It's kind of like being successful in career and business has been added to the list of pressure already applied to the requirements of today's women. Be pretty, be smart, be sexy, have your own, be famous, be a mogul, etc., etc. It's as if being a mother and a wife have disappeared.  Like catering to your husband and family are no longer a part of a woman's vocabulary.  I know, the feminists will probably attack me, but I just want to be great to the people who matter to me most.  I just want to do things in the order that God intended. Not that working and having a career is wrong, it's just the fact that I know that, in all of this, the children suffer. (Let's face it, currently, it takes two incomes to raise children half-way decent) I was there too; continuing to educate myself, standing on the rungs of the corporate ladder, and striving to make a name for myself in the field, but I am grateful that God has caused me to have a change of heart.  When I sit down and evaluate everything, my degrees, my position, a title, or the initials behind my name don't mean a thing if I'm not using them to please God.  My heart's desire is to be the best child of God, wife, mother, and sister I can be, and none of that requires me to have a PhD, make six-figures, or have thousands of followers.  I'm trying to get there...slowly but surely. If being on top is what you desire get your money, as for me, I'm okay staying in my own lane and being my own competition.

🖤🖤Susa🖤🖤

What's holding you back? What's stopping you from being the person that you want to be? What's preventing you from reaching your goals? What's standing in the way of your destiny? It could be one thing, or a combination of many things. Either way, the obstacles in your life have to be overcome in order for you to move forward into your future. In order for you to get ahead, you have to push those things out-of-the-way, and walk into your season of success.  The time is now...to seize the moment, to be who you are destined to be, and to hold the person in the mirror accountable for fulfilling their destiny.  What are you waiting for? Opportunity? Well, opportunity is what you create. Despite what people say, it doesn't knock on your door; you have to go out and find it. Go out and grab your destiny by the horns and take charge. You are the master of your own destiny, the author of your own biography, and the star of your own Emmy award-winning sitcom. Where you land on the charts is totally up to you. Stop waiting for someone to make you an offer, and go out and get your blessings.

🖤🖤Susa🖤🖤

Choices. We all have to make them, and some may be tougher than others.  Many times, people fail to take responsibility for the choices that they have made in their lives, and choose to blame others (and God) for the turn their lives have taken. The blame will be tenfold if the consequences of those choices are steep. If you've ever been to church, or had an intimate conversation with your grandma, you've heard the saying, 'All things work according to the will of God.'   The problem is, many people use this quote as an excuse to wallow in the misery of the consequences of their choices.

Choices are all around us. Whether we choose between something so simple as chocolate or vanilla ice cream, or something more important like quitting our job and becoming an entrepreneur; making choices is a constant part of our life.  The problem I have is, people fail to realize that, many times, the things we choose in our lives don’t only just affect us, but our spouse, our children, and all of our descendants.  Now, I'm not saying that there isn't a higher power watching over us.  I am most certainly a woman of faith and I know for sure that God does have a plan for each and every one of us, but as humans, we have free will and the ability to choose for ourselves. That’s where choice comes in.

Every choice we make has its own set of consequences, and since we are the one making the choice, we can't blame anyone else for what happens to us.  Here's an example. Think of God as a father who takes out a college fund for his only daughter.  He's worked hard and saved with plans for this daughter to attend college and become a physician. Things appear to be going along fine until, ten days before graduation, his daughter comes home and tells him that she's fallen in love, and is foregoing college to get married instead. Of course, he is devastated. Those were not the plans he had for her. .He warns her of all the things that could go wrong, but she gets married  anyway.  The marriage ends after a year and the daughter returns home. Her father never lost his plan for her future, her college fund is still there, and she's still able to enroll in school.  She's still able to accomplish her dream. She may have some baggage, but she's able to become a physician just like her father planned.

Take this example and apply it to your life. God does have a purpose for our lives...it will work according to His plan, but oftentimes, He has to work around our choices. He makes a detour in our road to destruction for us to accomplish what we need to accomplish.  If you're obedient and follow the plan that's been set for you, He will give you your hearts desire. His will shall be fulfilled.  One thing I have learned, God is faithful.  He will continue to protect us, continue to guide us, and will never leave our side.  Even with all of this, we still must realize that every choice comes at a price, You must decide if you are willing to pay it.

Choose wisely.

🖤🖤Susa🖤🖤

Today, while working with a group of teens and mentors, we did an exercise that was mind-blowing and set me on a new path for the upcoming year.  I have always been one to continuously look for ways to better myself, my brand, and pursue a path of excellence in regards to my personal and professional lives.  I mean, what other way is there to do it...if you plan to do anything, then do it to the best of your ability.  First, we were asked to identify common brands like Nike, Tropicana, BMW, etc. just by looking at the company's logo.  Next, we were shown three pictures, one of which was Donald Trump, and asked to tell what we thought about those brands.  Using the momentum from these activities, we were then asked to fill out a form with the following requirements: 1.) List 6 things that you say about your brand (yourself) 2.) List 6 things other people say about your brand and 3.) List 6 things you want your brand to say 10 years from now.  When I tell you, I took this activity so SERIOUS! The words I wrote about myself, especially the words that I wrote about myself and my brand ten years from now, are hanging on my vision board for me to look at on a daily basis.  Seeing those words in writing made those goals more than real for me.  Sometimes, we have to back away from all the distractions around us, take a moment to think, and really develop a plan for our future.  Where do you want to be? What do you want to be doing? What steps are you taking to get there? When you look deep within yourself, visualize the place that you want to be in life, and the path you want to take with your future. It is absolutely amazing the things that you can accomplish.  Take a moment and make the list above, in order to go in the right direction for the upcoming year.  This year can be a year of greatness for you if you just take the time to put it all in writing.  In the words of Erykah Badu, 'Write it down on real paper with a real pencil, and watch things get real.' Do the work.

🖤🖤 Susa 🖤🖤